I'm going to repost some of the articles from my previous dynamic blog because I don't want to spend any more money on it, so I shut it down.
I'm moving house recently, so I went to the city hall in the morning to handle the transfer procedures. My house is far from the city hall, it takes over an hour to walk there. I can choose to walk, ride a bicycle, or walk in the opposite direction to another station and then take a tram to the city hall station, and then walk a bit further. Without hesitation, I started walking and running towards my destination.
Why do I like walking? I think it's the only time I can truly be alone with myself. When I'm riding a bike, my mind is mostly focused on the road conditions and the route map, but walking is different. I can enter a state of being without self, often with a storm in my mind and a strong wind under my feet, and before I know it, I've arrived. Even if it's a long way, as long as I take a step forward, I will reach my destination.
A few days ago, I was chatting with my mom, and she said, "When will you settle down?" I don't want to settle down, and I can't imagine staying in one place for so many years, then all the other possibilities in my life will disappear. Countless ideas popped into my head, and suddenly I felt anxious - how can I go to Australia? While thinking, I calculated in my mind how much money I would need to save. I don't think I'm determined. When I'm determined, I won't doubt myself or think about other possibilities. If only I could be as determined to go to Australia as I am to not get married or have children, that's what I thought in the end.
My mom always says that I "don't appreciate what I have." I don't know how to write the word "ju" in the local dialect, but it means "not knowing how to appreciate the good things in life." I think a more direct translation would be "don't give face if you don't have face!" I'm quite content with material things, but spiritually, I feel like there's an insatiable void. Compared to a life of luxury, I envy the education that wealthy people can receive. Sometimes I really hate myself for being born into this kind of environment; sometimes I feel proud of myself for becoming who I am now. I've never stopped on the path of finding myself and suddenly I thought, could I end up like Chawanda in "Siddhartha," never finding my "way" or "enlightenment" in my whole life?
If "enlightenment" must be achieved in the world, then I will never achieve it. I will never let myself fall, I won't have sex with men, I won't gamble, I won't deceive people. But I also want to achieve enlightenment, to clearly and firmly know my own path. According to the law of attraction, as long as I firmly believe that I will find it, I will. The important thing is to listen to the voice within myself and to experience and connect with nature.
"Knowledge can be shared, but wisdom cannot. It can be discovered and experienced." So I have to understand it myself, not seek answers in books, but find them in the real world. I've been doing the opposite all along. Maybe one day, after I have experienced enough in the real world, that path will break through the barriers and reveal itself to me! Only after that will I be able to settle down.