The cause was a very small matter. The company required attendance at a meeting and when filling out the questionnaire, there were three options: attending in person, attending online, or being absent. I didn't want to waste time on the road, so I chose online. However, my colleague insisted that I give a reason, saying that this meeting was supposed to be attended in person. I had to come up with a reason to get by. But I still felt uneasy.
This kind of meeting, how should I put it, is like the lectures and competitions that the counselor required us to attend in college. If you go, you waste time, but if you don't go, you are criticized for not having a sense of collective honor. It's my weekend, sigh. I just refused to attend a meeting that I didn't want to go to, but I kept thinking about it in my heart. Why couldn't I be as content as others?
I took a look at the "Victims of the Good Student Mentality" group on Douban and saw some people saying that they used to love playing and being lively when they were young, but later developed a good student mentality and became introverted and gloomy. I also recalled my own childhood, but in my memory, I was always introverted. In our family, no one was lively or talkative. A group of "good students"? Never late, never missed a class in college, even if I didn't listen, I would play with my phone, memorize Japanese words, or do homework for other subjects, but I always attended. In the eyes of adults, being on time is better than being late, being quiet is better than being noisy, and going to school after completing homework is better than skipping class. So my good student mentality was always encouraged. But I don't want to continue like this anymore, I don't want to be forced to do things I don't like.
After bravely refusing, it doesn't bring relaxation, but rather a constant self-judgment in my heart. Thoughts like "if I attend, everyone will be happy and I won't have to be so conflicted" may flash through. Perhaps such thoughts are also a necessary path to break free from the good student mentality. Compromising here will only lead to further retreat, so for now, I can only be conflicted.