I'm just going to move the previous dynamic blog post because I don't want to spend money on it anymore, so I closed it.
Obviously, the original purpose of building this website was to use it as a technical blog, but in the end, I didn't even write a valuable blog post. Instead, it seemed to be turning into a place for my random thoughts and nonsense. The main reason is that the code blocks looked terrible, and I hadn't started researching useful plugins yet (excuse!). Going back to the topic, this is the first "reflection" of the new year! The trigger was a few hours ago when my good friend (let's call her A) said she's getting married this year.
Speaking of which, it brings tears to my eyes. A is a very special person to me. I can even say that she was my only good friend in high school, although she had another good friend, and the three of us often hung out together. I forgot how we got to know each other, I just remember that later we both became class representatives for a certain subject and often went to the office together to collect and distribute papers. And A introduced me to the world of BL (boys' love) and tutoring. We often went to the bookstore together, and because I spent around 50 yuan, I bought her a merchandise item from Naruto, and I also brought her homemade cookies. She even invited me to her house for dinner many times, so many times that I lost count. I didn't know if there was any cause and effect relationship, and I was also curious why she kept inviting me to eat at her house. Even my mom said, "Why do you go to her house for free meals every day?" But I didn't think too much about it. Later, she said something like "I've treated you enough times," as if she wanted to repay me. At that time, I was just naive and only wanted to make her happy by giving her a gift. Looking back, I realized that the 50 yuan gift was a bit too much.
After getting rid of my otaku lifestyle, I thought about my experience of getting into BL and anime. I couldn't help but ask myself: Do I really like these things, or was it just to have something in common with her? It's hard to say for sure, but I do know that I would cultivate the other person's interests in order to build a closer relationship. Looking at it this way, I wasn't someone who was particularly independent and had my own opinions. And all of this changed at some point, perhaps it was the moment when I became aware of feminism.
In my eyes, what kind of person is A? She is lively and good at sports, sometimes like a lively monkey after school. As for me, I suddenly went from the countryside to the county in high school, everything was uneasy and cramped, and I felt uncomfortable everywhere. She would greet me from the open door of the school bus, and I would run after the bus to wave at her. But at that time, I hesitated whether I should run over because there were people coming and going after school, and I felt embarrassed. I thought I would be seen by other classmates if I ran. It felt like a thorn in my side. (Is this the trouble of my adolescence?)
Every time I go home during college breaks, the three of us would get together. I don't remember what we talked about, but there are still many photos with heavy filters in my album. So, after high school graduation, for more than seven years, I can say that I knew nothing about her life. We went to different cities, studied different majors, and chose different jobs after graduation. In this process, naturally, I lost frequent communication with her, and we only greeted each other on holidays.
Best friends - well, as long as I consider us best friends. In many moments, I would think that someone is my good friend, but when it comes to the best, there are only one or two specific people, and it has to be during a specific period, such as the best friend in high school or the best friend in college. Time is divided like this, and the distance between A and me is seven years, and the distance between B and me is three years, and these distances will continue to increase.
I told A that I don't plan to get married, and she also shared her thoughts: the need for a stable relationship, the need for emotional support, so that one doesn't feel lonely and desperate during illness or low points in life. But I wondered, why did I manage to get through the first twenty years on my own, and now suddenly I need someone else to support me? Is it really because life has upgraded our copies? Is it just that? I have my own answers to these questions, and I am firm in my beliefs. But I can't bring myself to ask these questions, as if they are meant to pick a fight.
People are different from each other. I was chatting with my mom before, and she said that even if someone doesn't respect her, she would still be kind and try to transform them, so that everyone can walk on the same path because we are a loving family. I wouldn't do that. If someone doesn't respect me, I would expose their flaws in public and make them lose face. Why should I respect someone who doesn't respect me? I want to walk my own path. If they don't walk with me, so what? As long as I stay on my own path, I will meet many people who are like me, we will resonate with each other, and we can become friends, even "family".
I said that because I have always been on the right path. My mom sneered and asked, how do you know that your path is the right one? Who guided you on this path? Of course, it's the guidance from within me. If I don't believe that my path is right, then how can it be right? At that moment, I was extremely determined and had complete faith in myself. Perhaps it was from the day I cut my hair short that I stopped caring about other people's opinions and thoughts.
I couldn't write everything I wanted to say, but that's okay. The ability to express oneself needs to be rehabilitated slowly. Whether it's a technical blog or a reflection on life, writing is always better than not writing.